I can’t wait for college, where everyone else my age is on the same page, with a fresh, clean slate. I left after nearly three years at one high school and finished just over a year at another. The ones I left— they moved on pretty quick. Yes they say they miss me and we still talk, but they’ve got each other too. When I go back for their graduation, everything—essentially— will have changed. The people I’ve come to associate with, they accept my presence but they don’t need me either. At my own graduation, I won’t be like the others. I won’t be walking with the people I’ve known since like 3rd grade. I am a drifter, caught between two worlds. trapped between two realities. I’m no longer only a boulder creek-ian, but I’m not fully a Decatur-ite either. I’m both… And thus I’m neither. And I just can’t wait for the place where EVERYONE is as new to the place as I am.
I honestly can’t help but wonder if ANYONE would treat me the same way if they knew HALF the things that go through my mind on a daily basis. Not about them, but about me. Would they still treat me like they do if they knew I was broken? Not just the ones who made me this way, but the ones who’ve helped make it easier to bear?
I cant help but wonder if you’d still hate me if you knew.
I can’t help but wonder if you’d still love me if you knew.
I dont have any idea.
“Run for the village, not for yourself. Do it for everyone you know. Do it for your team. Do it for your coach. Do it for your family. Do it for your friends. JUST don’t do it for yourself—for you will quit on yourself far sooner than you’ll quit on others”.
I’m not doing it for me anymore. I’m doing it for you.
I wonder if any guy ever looks at me and thinks I’m pretty. I wonder if I’ve ever been a guy’s last thought before he went to sleep or his first thought when he wakes up. I wonder if I’ve ever turned heads. All I want is to think of myself as pretty. All my girls tell me I am, but I don’t believe them. And the sad thing is, I doubt I ever will. I may be good enough for others but I don’t think I’ll ever see myself as good enough. The signs may be right in front of me, but I would be the last person in the universe to see them. Everybody looks at me and sees a girl that’s confident and outgoing and not afraid to be herself, but they see only what I want them to see. Because inside I’m really afraid. I’m afraid to be myself, I’m afraid of what other people will think of me. The only reason I can get by is by making it look like I DONT care. But I do. I care so much. I’ve been able to almost stop judging others, but I’m afraid I will always judge myself. And it kind of sucks.
- Normal Mom: You're going to stay up and finish this homework if you have to work all night!
- Teenager: Ugh. fine/whatever
- *End of conversation*
- My Mom: You're not staying up past midnight to do your homework.
- Me: BUT MOM! I have to get it DONE!
- Mom: Work fast, then.
- Me: BUT I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY!!!